Yes, I've moved.

And that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and for that I'm truly sorry. But I cannot stay in the place where I was. I have made choices, and not many of you are happy with them. I get it: I'm selfish. I'm foolish. I'm crazy. I'm rash. I'm an idiot. I'm throwing away 'the best'...

Thanks. Thanks for 'understanding' that what my life appeared to be for all those years was for everyone's benefit... and that pain isn't always something to be endured. I don't want to explain myself to those who do not choose to accept my path. I have heard your disappointment, I have felt your silent disapproval. You think you know the story-- you do not.

I'm going to keep on blogging, and I'm going to act as if anyone reading it will be happy for my new life. If you're not going to be accepting of me, then don't read it please.

So, yes, I've moved.

I'm living in a quirky little house on a lagoon. It's totally 70's retro, right down to the Fisher wood stoves and gold bathroom fixtures. But every room is filled with light from the abundant windows, and the view onto the docks and boats is charming. Here's the view from the back deck:

I'm still working as a cashier, but trying to get on at the local phone company so that I can make more money and have normal hours. Right now I'm only working 24 hours a week in four-hour shifts that end at 9:30pm. Ugh. The other job would be full time and days. I know that comes with it's own brand of "Ugh" but at least the money is better. I'm trying to make some extra to keep Emily in school for the next year with YWAM.

Getting moved in here is interesting. I've got just a few things: Four plates. Four bowls. Two pots. One pan. Four forks, knives, and spoons. Two coffee mugs. Four glasses. I have some furniture. I have a fouton bed. I have my sewing machine and a crapload of yarn. I have Natalie. She has her bed and her dishes. I have two towels, one washcloth, and a hand towel. There is something very healing in having so little.

The house has a built in credenza, so I have my teapots displayed. They are like little works of art. Each room is mostly windows, so wall space is premium. I have a watercolor print that my sister had commissioned for me several years ago. In it a blue rowboat sits in front of a red-roofed house. I have always been moved by it, as it representsa peaceful place with the chance for escape in that blue boat. It looks perfectly at home on the wall now. And out the window I can see a blue rowboat sitting in back of the neighbor's house... perhaps this summer I will borrow it and row along the lagoon here with Natalie.

I have been in limbo for a long time, and now I am in a place where I can settle in and breathe a bit. Please know that I am doing well. Simplicity is a good place to start. God is good. This Lenten season is healing. I am loved. I have a grateful heart. Life is good.

"Something Unpredictable, but in the end it's right...

... I hope you had the time of your life. " -- Greenday

Funny how GreenDay was once one of those bands I frowned upon and how now I can so appreciate their talent.

Well, I'm moving. I have found a great little place on the water here on the Island. The kitchen windows look right out onto a small marina and ducks swim between the docks. Lapping water peacefully lulls one's thoughts, joining the water's gentle movements. Every room in the house looks out on something beautiful.

I'm living with a friend from work. I don't have much money of my own, and this friend has been gracious enough to take the bulk of the living expenses. I'm looking for a second job. Right now my hours are minimal, due to the slow winter months at the store. Jobs here are hard to come by in winter. I've applied at a local nursery... I think it would be lovely to be around flowers all the time.

This house represents the first real place I've had in about four months, so I'm really excited. It was hard to go into the old house and box things up, but it's part of the process. I'm going ahead with the divorce. I know that many of you don't understand, but it's time.

I have failed my marriage in more ways than I can enumerate, but I'm forgiving myself, moving closer to God than ever, and trusting that the people who love me most will also forgive me. I haven't meant to hurt anyone. I have been hurting for many years, and this is how I am choosing to end that pain.

I don't know what the future will hold, but I know I feel very hopeful and happy. I used to look at Christian couples who divorced and think, "How in the world??????" But no one can live anyone else's life.

I love you all. I will accept your pain. Please accept the pain that I have lived with too.

Thank you.

PS Sarah, what is your email address!? I'm so happy to hear from you!